Spilling Open.

some nights i like to sit and let my daydreams run.
but at this moment in my life, i dont have any day dreams to entertain.
and thats just all fine and well.

i spend a lot of time stressing out lately.
thursday night i let it all blow up.

I want:
1. to live in the house on 17th next year.
2. more ripe mangos.
3. my room to be clean
4. to catch fireflies outside in jars in the summertime with a boy
5. to smell like a campfire
6. a really great bike that i can be proud of
7. to start learning the harmonica
8. to put the sprinklers under the trampoline like i used to do at the old house.

kate told me i need time to heal.
i feel like everyone is always healing from something or another.
its a process that can be put on hold or interrupted unintentionally

where will i be in 5 years.
after college.
in grad school?
in love?
in another country?

tonight i sat in kats room and read to hear out of Sabrina Ward Harrisons, "Spilling Open"
(after i read any of her journals it makes me want to go listen to Ani Difranco or Alanis Morissette)
anyways, we sit in bed and end our night together like this a lot.

we watched the most hilarious snl skit, while she stalked this adorable boy on fb.
she asked me where i wanted to meet my husband.
i dont know the answer to that, so i didnt say anything.

in the journal i was reading, i guess Sabrina was talking about love
she said:

"I am learning the reinvent what being with a boy can be like.

Maybe it is a fort instead of a movie. With lots of Shel Silverstien reading out loud.

Or a spring night with tea and art on the floor."

kat said she wanted someone to be in love with like that.
i didnt really say much though.
but i agree.

i dont think too much into things right now.
falling in love sounds so far away right now.
i am not looking.
i am not interested in anything other than a dashing, wreckless, deep and wonderous romance of love
but in no way do i wish that upon myself right now.

it will take a lot of learning, growing, and releasing.
im 20.
im young
im happy
im messy.

i still dont do my laundry enough,
and i havent seen the rug on the floor of my room in months,
i cant seem to remember to send my grandma a support letter
and if i had a pet, im sure i wouldnt take care of it
...im obviously in no condition to be in love.