You were there loving me, when he never could.
You were there begging me for my attention, when my view was so narrow.
Well, now you have my attention.
People will never do it.
Friends will never fulfill it.
A man could never be it.
It will always be You
Situations will change.
Life will pass from one season to the next.
People will come and go.
One day i will have a job.
One day i might get married
One day i might have kids.
But it will still be you.
You are the greatest love story ever written.
You know me, You made me.
You see my inequities and my insecurities.
You listen to the ramblings of my bitter heart
and put up with me when all i want to do is yell.
I could not begin to count the number of times i have cheated on You.
All the times i have proclaimed my loyalties to you, yet jumped at the first chance of entertaining company far less grand.
I have cursed You.
I have slandered You.
I have turned my back on You.
Im sure i have broken Your heart more times than i could ever know.
Yet You continue to pursue me.
Against any logic known to man, You do not turn your back on me.
Your love has never left me.
After all this time, You still desire to woo me.
You desire to show me love
To show me mercry
To show me things you know i will find beautiful.
I live in a house with beautiful ivy growing down the side of it.
Every morning when i wake up and draw back my curtains, warm sunshine will flood my room.
You know i love fall and browns and reds and oranges and yellows.
You know i love the rain.
You see me smile after a good storm.
You are the breeze that comes over me on a hot summer day.
You are Elizabeth when we are driving in the car jamming to whatever song we are currently in love with.
You are Kate when i come over to her apartment in shambles and she sits there and loves me and lets me cry.
You are a beautiful Jon Foreman song that i play over and over again.
You are the greatest fairytale that i could ever imagine.
You are the realest love i will ever know.
You know exactly what woos me and what will cause my heart to smile.
Your love is extravagant.
More loyal and more true and more honest and more genuine than anything any man could ever offer me.
Oh my God, you are a mystery to me.
How you love me.
How you were there.
How you have watched me.
How you have pursued me.
My life is so fleeting.
It is so incredible to me the way you desire to love me.
What a romance it is to be loved by you!
What a divine love that you have for me!
How incredibly lucky i am that the Lord of all creation, heaven and earth, desires a crazy, adventure of a romance with little ol rachel cline.
Lately i have felt so unimpressive, so dispensable.
I have felt so unnoticeable and unnecessary.
But what matter should it be to me?
When i feel alone, when i feel looked over, like i am nothing special to anyone,
I can crawl into my Fathers lap where i can be exactly the person He created me to be.
I can be beautiful.
I can be silly.
I can rest.
I can laugh.
I can sing as loud as i want.
And I can throw my arms out and dance and dance and dance.
Monday, August 10, 2009
what can i expect. what can i do. i really have no control. give it up. give it over. freedom has never left me, ive always had it. i havent let it in. hardened heart. bitter heart. angry heart. guarded heart. i have no claim. you have yours and ill have mine. ultimately, whats best is best and people are people. news is just news. old is new and new is old and the circle never stops. recycle, reuse, redo...its all the same. the process is never ending, except the one day when it does. learning. changing. rearranging. use caution. know when to keep it up and when to let it fall. im impulsive. that is ugly truth sometimes. dont want to let this fall on empty ears. ive been a slacker. ive been selfish. i havent been keeping up with the things i should. give me Youre passion. give me Your love. give me Your grace. give me Your peace. i am one person. i am one girl. i am small, and have not got a single thing figured out. the more things i figure out, the more questions i come up with. solutions only pose different questions. we're never done. we keep changing. everyone is on their own road. you live in freedom. you have already arrived at that destination. i on the other hand, am lost. the directions are good, im just really bad at following them. ill get there some day. some day ill catch up. my words are too angry. i am too quick to speak. nothing is mine, it is all the Lords. im flesh, and He is the good in me. dont give Satan a foot hole, he'll turn it into something it never meant to be. what were your intentions? what were any of you alls intentions? good, better, best. you all know what to say. is it true that everyone will always play games? i sure hope not. not forever. not for long. i think most people are good. i need to remember that they are not always going to be what i want or expect. God is good though, and they can be good bc God is good. be careful. be aware. dont be naive. especially me, ive been naive. you dont always have to be a victim. i wont put up with peoples bull. i dont want to give anyone bull either. i just want to be honest. and real. and raw. be exactly who i am in any given moment. no shows. no stages. how will i do it? how will it work out? i have to watch you live in that freedom. watch you fall perfectly in line. i still have regrets. im not at that point yet. the one where people say they have no regrets. i havent gotten there yet. i still want to carve my name into what is mine. that 80 dollars i spent to try to give you something important. turned out it was just 80 dollars. turned out that i am still immature and could care less at the moment. turns out that i won that game. and what a prize i got. reality is now. its not next summer. its not in France. its not years from now outside on that perfect day in fall with all my family and champagn and "i do's." reality is lubbock. reality is statistics and french class and foundation and wesley and dry weather with no beaches and pizza and friends and new people and flat land and a 9 hour drive and coming to terms with the fact that africa didnt heal me and i dont have all the answers and an entire summer has passed and i STILL dont know what i want to do with my life. wait on the Lord. He's faithful. i believe His promises. i really do. but i am human. and im struggling. and i wont pretend that im not. His freedom has always been there. it is whether or not i decide to live into it. give it up. give it over. i will learn something.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sin is such an ugly thing.
God is the only thing i have to hold on to,
He is literally our only hope.
I am a flawed, imperfect sinner.
I am Judas, I am Peter.
I am a hypocrite in its truest form.
I am wholly and completely at the mercy of the Lord.
I am flesh, i am sin.
I am only made clean by his blood and his blood alone.
What has happened here is that God has once again brought me low and made me humble.
It is in these times that I realize how insignificant I am, and how completely and utterly dependent I am on Gods grace and mercy.
I am nothing good apart from the Lord
I must decrease, so that He may increase.
It is He who lifts me up out of the miry clay and washes the dirt from eyes.
It is He who gives me the strength to overcome the evil in my own life.
I can not rely on myself because I am not good
Apart from him I am complete darkness.
I am a wreck.
My sin weighs heavy on my back like a burden that is too much for me to carry.
The good that I desire to do, is not the good that I do.
But that is why He is so good.
Because He is gracious, and He is forgiving, and He is loving.
And I am undeserving.
He is God, and I am man.
He is God, and I am man.
What is man that the Lord of all creation should be mindful of him?
I am but a grain of sand.
I can not expect God to do anything with me or for me in the state that I have been in.
For me to be of any use, God has to be in His rightful place, and I have to be in mine.
And God is most surely always in His rightful place.
It is me who has been trying to be greater than I am.
My place is at Christs feet.
Lord, You are my only good.
You are my only hope.
You are the only one who can save.
You are the only one who can change my heart.
Lord, heal and forgive my past, and write my future.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Have mercy on me, oh God
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions
Would you create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation
The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart
Against You and You alond have I sinned
Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Sunday, July 26, 2009
God is my shepherd
I won't be wanting
I won't be wanting
He makes me rest
In fields of green
With quiet streams
Even though I walk
Through the valley
Of death and dying
I will not fear
Cause you are with me
You are with me
Your shepherd's staff
You are my feast
In the presence of enemies
Will follow me
In the house of God forever.
i was made for the city. i was made for the lights and the cars and the freeways and the tall buildings and the hustle and the bustle and all the different types of people.
i come alive in the city.
i feel alive in the city.
i feel free,
i feel like i could just disappear into the night without anyone noticing,
but at the same time, feel like im a part of everything.
i was driving home from downtown tonight with the windows down listening to imogen heaps new song First Train Home, and i felt completely in my element.
everything about this week has been so refreshing to my soul.
it could have not come at a better time either.
i have two of the most beautiful and wonderful people ever created as my best friends.
i wouldnt want to experience life with any other people.
simply spending time with them this week has been so healing.
3 months had been far too long.
this summer has been hard.
but this week convinced me that it wont be that way for much longer.
this year is going to be so different.
im done with being anything but exactly what i want when i want.
sometimes, i feel as if i might as well be wearing a big cardboard sign around my neck reading "Dont Bother."
because thats how i feel.
i dont want to bother with drama.
there is no room for it in my life.
i will stop things before they start.
i have no attachments.
i have 3 best friends.
i am 20 years old.
i have a car that can drive me anywhere.
my goodness, i went through so many different emotions this week.
for all the things that ive felt, i feel as if ive been gone much longer than one single week.
i found out what you are doing and who you are doing it with.
freedom is a funny thing.
it comes at the weirdest times from the most unexpected places.
im not ready to quite leave the city yet, but tomorrow i will wave goodbye to its tall skyscrapers
and its crowded highways.
ill say goodbye to 80's night at numbers, ecclesia, afternoons spent on my beloved westheimer, jamba juice, and all of my wonderful cafe discoveries.
im so glad that i call this home.
im so glad that i have this.
im so glad that its mine, and i know it.
im so glad that i grew up here.
i know how to handle the city.
its roads, its people, its driving.
"la dolce vita"
...what a sweet life it is.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
lots of bike rides lately, planted flowers the other day (they died), elizabeth got home, kat and i watched the sexual predators on channel 2 for 20 minutes the other day, met the most adorable married couple, our house got wrapped, this beautiful cat named delilah hangs out at our house all the time, we had our first incredibly successful bbq at the new house, i leave for houston on tuesday...i cant wait, i have got incredibly painful shin splints, i feel like im staring at a cory matthews look a like at j&b's right now, maybe ive smoked too many cloves lately, ive been constantly battling this particular lie that is currently fighting for my affections, rosetta stone has arrived and i have started learning french, ive been remembering africa a lot lately and clinging to the songs that have been my closest friends this summer, my mug collection has grown significantly, i love the disabled veterans thrift store, i cant wait to go record shopping in houston and eat at familiar places with familiar faces, i love my roommate kat, i still need to purchase jacks mannequin and the fray tickets, i keep expecting things to be different than they are and im constantly surprised when they are not like i expected, i need to stop living my life at a safe distance from people, i would like to give and recieve more mail, i cant wait to see my mother, i love blueberries a lot lately, i would like to know if you are ever reminded of the same memories as i am, i would of liked to know if it was hard for you to throw away that toothbrush and take down that paper in your bathroom, i wish i wouldnt have spent all those songs and ideas and late nights and memories on you, i wish i didnt feel vulnerable, i wish i had bought that harmonica like i wanted to this summer.