At Your Feet.

Sin is such an ugly thing.

God is the only thing i have to hold on to,

He is literally our only hope.

I am a flawed, imperfect sinner.

I am Judas, I am Peter.

I am a hypocrite in its truest form.

I am wholly and completely at the mercy of the Lord.

I am flesh, i am sin.

I am only made clean by his blood and his blood alone.

What has happened here is that God has once again brought me low and made me humble.

It is in these times that I realize how insignificant I am, and how completely and utterly dependent I am on Gods grace and mercy.

I am nothing good apart from the Lord

I must decrease, so that He may increase.

It is He who lifts me up out of the miry clay and washes the dirt from eyes.

It is He who gives me the strength to overcome the evil in my own life.

I can not rely on myself because I am not good

Apart from him I am complete darkness.

I am a wreck.

My sin weighs heavy on my back like a burden that is too much for me to carry.

The good that I desire to do, is not the good that I do.

But that is why He is so good.

Because He is gracious, and He is forgiving, and He is loving.

And I am undeserving.
He is God, and I am man.

What is man that the Lord of all creation should be mindful of him?

I am but a grain of sand.

I can not expect God to do anything with me or for me in the state that I have been in.

For me to be of any use, God has to be in His rightful place, and I have to be in mine.

And God is most surely always in His rightful place.

It is me who has been trying to be greater than I am.

My place is at Christs feet.

Humbled.

Repenting.

Submissive.

Devoted.

A Servant.

Lord, You are my only good.

You are my only hope.

You are the only one who can save.

You are the only one who can change my heart.

Lord, heal and forgive my past, and write my future.

White As Snow

Have mercy on me, oh God

According to Your unfailing love

According to Your great compassion

Blot out my transgressions

Would you create in me a clean heart, oh God

Restore in me the joy of Your salvation

The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart

Against You and You alond have I sinned

Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God

Restore in me the joy of my salvation

Wash me white as snow

And I will be made whole

Wash me white as snow

And I will be made whole

House of God Forever

God is my shepherd

I won't be wanting

I won't be wanting

He makes me rest

In fields of green

With quiet streams

Even though I walk

Through the valley

Of death and dying

I will not fear

Cause you are with me

You are with me

Your shepherd's staff

Comforts me

You are my feast

In the presence of enemies

Surely goodness

Will follow me

Follow me

In the house of God forever.

la dolce vita

i was made for the city. i was made for the lights and the cars and the freeways and the tall buildings and the hustle and the bustle and all the different types of people.

i come alive in the city.

i feel alive in the city.

i feel free,

i feel like i could just disappear into the night without anyone noticing,

but at the same time, feel like im a part of everything.

i was driving home from downtown tonight with the windows down listening to imogen heaps new song First Train Home, and i felt completely in my element.

everything about this week has been so refreshing to my soul.

it could have not come at a better time either.

i have two of the most beautiful and wonderful people ever created as my best friends.

i wouldnt want to experience life with any other people.

simply spending time with them this week has been so healing.

3 months had been far too long.

this summer has been hard.

but this week convinced me that it wont be that way for much longer.

this year is going to be so different.

im done with being anything but exactly what i want when i want.

sometimes, i feel as if i might as well be wearing a big cardboard sign around my neck reading "Dont Bother."

because thats how i feel.

i dont want to bother with drama.

there is no room for it in my life.

i will stop things before they start.

i have no attachments.

i have 3 best friends.

i am 20 years old.

i have a car that can drive me anywhere.

my goodness, i went through so many different emotions this week.

for all the things that ive felt, i feel as if ive been gone much longer than one single week.

i found out what you are doing and who you are doing it with.

freedom is a funny thing.

it comes at the weirdest times from the most unexpected places.

im not ready to quite leave the city yet, but tomorrow i will wave goodbye to its tall skyscrapers

and its crowded highways.

ill say goodbye to 80's night at numbers, ecclesia, afternoons spent on my beloved westheimer, jamba juice, and all of my wonderful cafe discoveries.

im so glad that i call this home.

im so glad that i have this.

im so glad that its mine, and i know it.

im so glad that i grew up here.

i know how to handle the city.

its roads, its people, its driving.

"la dolce vita"

...what a sweet life it is.

something for everyone

lots of bike rides lately, planted flowers the other day (they died), elizabeth got home, kat and i watched the sexual predators on channel 2 for 20 minutes the other day, met the most adorable married couple, our house got wrapped, this beautiful cat named delilah hangs out at our house all the time, we had our first incredibly successful bbq at the new house, i leave for houston on tuesday...i cant wait, i have got incredibly painful shin splints, i feel like im staring at a cory matthews look a like at j&b's right now, maybe ive smoked too many cloves lately, ive been constantly battling this particular lie that is currently fighting for my affections, rosetta stone has arrived and i have started learning french, ive been remembering africa a lot lately and clinging to the songs that have been my closest friends this summer, my mug collection has grown significantly, i love the disabled veterans thrift store, i cant wait to go record shopping in houston and eat at familiar places with familiar faces, i love my roommate kat, i still need to purchase jacks mannequin and the fray tickets, i keep expecting things to be different than they are and im constantly surprised when they are not like i expected, i need to stop living my life at a safe distance from people, i would like to give and recieve more mail, i cant wait to see my mother, i love blueberries a lot lately, i would like to know if you are ever reminded of the same memories as i am, i would of liked to know if it was hard for you to throw away that toothbrush and take down that paper in your bathroom, i wish i wouldnt have spent all those songs and ideas and late nights and memories on you, i wish i didnt feel vulnerable, i wish i had bought that harmonica like i wanted to this summer.

if we were birds, we'd all have tons of friends. :)

i forgot how good it feels to be spontanious.
i like the way smoke smells and dances through the air at night.
i love my room and all the colors in it. it feels exactly the way i want it to.
i enjoy the feeling of being on the brink of something.
im learning to hate my red hair less.

today i am wearing a shirt that fell on the ground and got dirt on it, and i decided to wear it anyways.
the Stars playlist on Pandora plays the most wonderous music in all the land.
i like opening up to people, and im good at it.
i like that i like coffee now, and i find it to be a good day when its vanilla toffee flavored day at j&b's. (today it was something icky)
i can see the places where ive grown up and im not that 18 year old girl from senior year anymore.
i understand why they tell you not to date your freshman year of college.
i understand a lot more now that ive made the mistakes.
i dont regret making the mistakes.
i like that ashley calls me whimsical, even when im not 100 percent sure what she means.
i like that people still see me for the person that i like.
ive been so flaky and weird and low profile lately that sometimes i feel like i come off as someone different than the person that i am when im at my best.
its good to hear that people like the same things that you like about yourself...that its not just you imagining something.
i have a love/hate relationship with the fact that right now, i feel like God is developing, and perhaps even creating, a side of me that i have never experienced or dealt with before.
i dont think i can explain how much i look forward to seeing elizabeth.
elizabeth is my best friend and she feels like home to me.
kate called me yesterday, shes back in the usa!!
it was such a weight off my shoulders to talk to my best friends.
she's so wonderful and real and im so greatful that shes my bestie.
sometimes i feel scared of growing up, and then sometimes i cant wait.

im learning,
im growing,
im listening to new music,
im rearranging my life, mostly because i have no choice.
i was forced out of something i thought was beautiful.
i was uprooted and picked out of the ground like a fruit before it is ripe.
it didnt feel right for a while, and i still dont feel all the way there yet.

but last night was mostly good because it helped me to realize that i am still the same person.
layers removed, in my comfort zone, i still act the same.
i still react the same way, i still worry about the same things.
the foundation of me hasnt changed.

im going to run a half marathon by december.
i decided this yesterday.

hindsight

to be simple.
to be free.

to be young.

to be sure.

to be still.

to sit and breathe next to someone who loves you.

i was so naive.

its an itch that i just cant scratch.

its a bruise that you keep sticking your finger in

its a scab that keeps getting ripped off.

i dont quite feel like im living in freedom.

i dont feel like im living into Your freedom.

i dont think you would call this freedom.

its either smells, or sounds, or places, or stories, or people...but one way or the other, i continue to feel the echos of a life past that seems like someone elses.

i dont get it.

i havent been getting it.