its a wednesday night.

its a wednesday night.
and i have tonsillitis.
not to mention a cornucopia of other flu like symptoms resulting from the 5 shots i got in my arm yesterday.

I also have an exam tomorrow that i wont be taking until a later date. I've been sick all day. I feel like i've been sick all semester.

i've been sitting alone now for ehh, approximately 3 and 1/2 hours.
im not telling you this for you to feel sorry for me, im telling you this because perhaps it will astonish you.
people seem to believe that i am unable to stand moments alone.
this is only half true.

this past semester i have noticed my extroverted self wanting to be surrounded by people at all times no matter what is going on.
i leave one group of people to go hang out with another.
if im upset, i run to a room of friends
I also tend to think that everyone in my phonebook is interested in my random wonderings and frustrations, but recently i have been informed that mass texting is bad etiquette.

point of the story, i can be alone.
(sometimes)

my throat feels like theres a golfball stuck in it.
i hear you got that tattoo you always wanted.
bravo to you. i dont want to see it.

I think im gunna make it rwanda.
we did the figuring today and by next wednesday i should have the full 3000.
praise God for his provision and grace.
He will always provide.

I liked this thing Annette said today.

she said:

"I can not survive off of yesterdays manna"

i thought that was beautiful and real.

there was a reason why the manna from the day before spoiled.

Gods provision and strength is new every day.

we can not survive off of something He did yesterday.

we need new, fresh manna everyday from the only one true God.

I can not be dwelling on what God did yesterday,or last week, or a couple of months ago and forget to realize what he is doing today.

this is just a glimpse.

one day, there will be a million and one reasons why you weren't enough.

one million reasons to forget your face and your arms and your imagination.
one million reasons to take your pictures off the dashboard in my head and give them away to some worthier cause.
one million reasons to take back that other shirt I still have.
and one millions reasons to not be angry at you.

one day ill thank you for knowing, when i certainly did not.
and one day i won't care whether I get to thank you or not.

one day there will be a million and one reasons why I thank God for not revealing it all at once.

there will be one million reasons why I thank God for this new pair of eyes that I get to stair into.
and this new heart that I get to share with mine.
I will realize in a million different ways that it was never what i thought it was.
and this time I will get it, and it will be right.

and this time, I will see that there are a million different reasons why I came to exactly the place where I will be standing when I realize that there are a million different reasons why you weren't enough.

"hey! Just because Im dressed in gorrilla costume doesn't mean Im not still a girl!"

heres the thing,
this weekend was awesome.

there are no other girls that i would rather spend my time with.
i have the most wonderful girlfriends.
all we do is laugh.
all
the
time.
everyone of them: brilliant comedians!

friday: dressing up, cute dinner, park and swing set, going away party, father of the bride
saturday: work out, crawfish boil, friends concerts, baskin robins, phase 10, staying up all night watching movies
sunday: foundation fundraiser for lunch, my beautiful roommates birthday, cupcakes!, afternoon nap on the couch, birthday dinner, scavenger hunt, sand volleyball, and a night time bike ride.

it really does go by faster than you think.
it really is a wonder how quickly you forget to remember.
here or there, it doesnt really matter, im taken care of. :)

impending.

what did you do? what did you get? who were you with? did you have fun? what did you drink? what did you say? what did you laugh at? did they give you a kiss? did you feel important and loved?

this is my impending lack of concern.
this is about my transition.
at least about one thing or another.
i can trade this care for another.

soon i wont even be here.
soon ill be somewhere new and different and fresh.
at least for a while.
where i can breath clean air from a place where the clouds look farther away.
little kids will laugh and play in the hot sun.
and maybe ill do a lot of crying, but it will be for a new and beautiful reason.
ill find new songs to sing out loud.
and take back new memories.
...at least if i can get the money.

this summer will be an adventure.
i need adventures with different and new people.
trips and rain and green things and sunshine and water and dresses and bikes.

haley told me i will learn to live a different kind of way
sometimes i feel so typical and over dramatic
its not like im the first person to ever feel this way

things i like right now:
1. vinyl records, hookah, sparklers, and laughing on the balcony at midnight.
2. "reality" tv shows about summer camps
3. eggo maple syrup cereal
4. soy iced chai
5. michael cera (boy from juno and nick & noras)
6. never wearing shoes.
7. still more mason jennings
8. She&Him and everything Zooey Deschanel does and is
9. my mom telling me that C's are okay this semester...? lol
10. collecting weird and mismatching mugs of canada and owls.

things i dont like:
1. the techno base booming through my floor every night from our kind friends down below.
2. the wind
3. pickles (always)
4. feelings too here-ish.
5. not having microsoft word. (what?)
6. stressing out=pig outs.
7. when other people make me smell their stinky hair.

have a beautiful and fresh weekend :)

Spilling Open.

some nights i like to sit and let my daydreams run.
but at this moment in my life, i dont have any day dreams to entertain.
and thats just all fine and well.

i spend a lot of time stressing out lately.
thursday night i let it all blow up.

I want:
1. to live in the house on 17th next year.
2. more ripe mangos.
3. my room to be clean
4. to catch fireflies outside in jars in the summertime with a boy
5. to smell like a campfire
6. a really great bike that i can be proud of
7. to start learning the harmonica
8. to put the sprinklers under the trampoline like i used to do at the old house.

kate told me i need time to heal.
i feel like everyone is always healing from something or another.
its a process that can be put on hold or interrupted unintentionally

where will i be in 5 years.
after college.
in grad school?
in love?
in another country?

tonight i sat in kats room and read to hear out of Sabrina Ward Harrisons, "Spilling Open"
(after i read any of her journals it makes me want to go listen to Ani Difranco or Alanis Morissette)
anyways, we sit in bed and end our night together like this a lot.

we watched the most hilarious snl skit, while she stalked this adorable boy on fb.
she asked me where i wanted to meet my husband.
i dont know the answer to that, so i didnt say anything.

in the journal i was reading, i guess Sabrina was talking about love
she said:

"I am learning the reinvent what being with a boy can be like.

Maybe it is a fort instead of a movie. With lots of Shel Silverstien reading out loud.

Or a spring night with tea and art on the floor."

kat said she wanted someone to be in love with like that.
i didnt really say much though.
but i agree.

i dont think too much into things right now.
falling in love sounds so far away right now.
i am not looking.
i am not interested in anything other than a dashing, wreckless, deep and wonderous romance of love
but in no way do i wish that upon myself right now.

it will take a lot of learning, growing, and releasing.
im 20.
im young
im happy
im messy.

i still dont do my laundry enough,
and i havent seen the rug on the floor of my room in months,
i cant seem to remember to send my grandma a support letter
and if i had a pet, im sure i wouldnt take care of it
...im obviously in no condition to be in love.

Houston

Houston.
how do i love thee, let me count the ways,

Montrose and Westhiemer
Taxi Taxi
Agoras
The Empire Cafe
Old Treasures and New Ones Too
tucked away bayous and tire swings
River Oaks at Christmas time
Memorial Park
Charascos
Project Green
The Houston Zoo
Trash and Treasures Antique Store
The Childrens Museum
The Museum of Fine Arts
bungalows covered in ivy
Ecclesia
Niko Niko's
Numbers
The Wharehouse Live

Ive had so many good memories with you Houston.
How you have been good to me.
You've seen me through highschool and senior year when i made it my mission to go to as many concerts and shows as i could feasibly afford as a high school student.
You saw me dance like a maniac on Friday night 80's night at Numbers.
You were there when i turned 18 and decided it would be a good idea to go out and get a tattoo.
You produced plenty of good food for my family to enjoy on various holidays.
You provided plenty of backroads and allys for two best friends to explore
You watched as a beautiful girl and a handsome boy grew up in love.
You were there to escape to when the world inside this cold and empty house was too much to bear.
You had tree lined roads to travel and listen to new music on.
Youve been one of my dearest friends over the years.
From one period of my life to the next.
Im not sad.

I am a blessed individual with the chance to explore my dreams and watch and encourage others to explore theirs.

what a peaceful weekend it has been :)

I didnt want to come home this weekend. For a million different reasons really. But i did, and what a true blessing it has been to my soul.

I feel like ive learned so much in just the past 3 days.
This weekend has been nothing but peace and rest for me.
And the wildest part of it all is that ive spent every moment with my father.

How wonderfully mysterious is the Lord and the way he chooses to show up.

God really layed it on my heart on the 10 hour drive home friday that im not coming home for me, im coming home for him. My dad.

I have never been one for patience with my dad. I complain about his lack of understanding when i talk to him about wanting to be a missionary. But how can i possibly expect him to see or understand how much i love the Lord if im not showing him that same love the Lord shows me.

To begin loving him, I have to forgive him. And to forgive him, i have to surrender my bitterness to the Lord. When i do that, he is no longer the father that i could have done without, he is no longer the man that i blame all my insecurities on. He is a child of the Lord. The Lord longs for his heart and i am in the perfect position to have an enormous impact on how he views Christ.
If i love those who are easy to love, then what purpose is that?

Home is a different place for me now.
I thought this would be a hard trip. I didnt know if i was ready to face old places with old memories. But God has been making me a new creation. I am finding this more and more to be true, the Lord is faithful to those who wait on Him.

it just takes some getting used to.

it got too loud in here.

bitter enemy or gracious friend?

time.
its the one thing we all have in common.

what do i have time for?
i have time to heal.
i have time to grow.
i have time to learn.

what do i want to make time for?
i want to make more time to forgive (and forget) lovingly.
and to nurture my heart and the things that give me joy.
i want to take more time to tell people honest things that they need to hear.
and to be more honest with myself.
i want to make more time for cleaning up the clutter...
in my room and in my life.
i wanted to have more time to love you.
i want more hours in the day where i let the sun kiss my shoulders.
and more time to drive around with friends.

time has been a kind friend and a bitter enemy over the years.
"just give it time"
"time heals all wounds"
"i wish i had more time"
"if only the time would pass more quickly"
"time well spent"

do we want more or less time?
it depends on what time can do for me in the state that i am in.
is time healing me of a broken heart?
or is it keeping me like a prisoner thats waiting to serve their sentence.
either way, its going to going to pass whether i like it or not.

i can look back and thank time for the places in my life that it has taken me away from.
thats usually how it works though.
i appreciate time more when it has passed.

but at the same time, i can remember sufjan stevens on vinyl on a bedroom floor and checkers and coffee and omletts and chocolate chips at 3am and wishing that time would give me just a little longer.
thats usually when i hate time the most...
one minute you have it, and then the next you dont.

time is great at helping me realize how small i am.
its great at showing me how smart God is and how clueless i am to believe that my way is the best way.
it great at revealing to me the mistakes ive made and what i deserve.

right now, time could pass slowly or quickly.
i doesnt matter to me.
sure, theres things that i look forward to in the coming months,
but to be honest, i look forward to next weekend, and the weekend after that, and so and so forth.

new memories will become more important than old ones
songs you thought you couldnt listen to will creep back into your life
and people from time to time will give you a smile.