CHANGES!

i think im gunna cut my hair again. perhaps a good solid cut of 6 inches or so. im gunna do it this week. :)

im moving into a house on wednesday!

i felt like such a grown up today making all the calls to set up the electricity and cable and light and things of the like.

i think i may start a garden at the new house.

i want to grow tomatoes and strawberrys. but i may be kind of aiming too high with the strawberries.

none the less, i will still grow something.

i find that growing something can be one of the most fulfilling experiences.

ashley and i took really beautiful pictures tonight at sunset.

im excited to see how they turn out.

she was really sick all day and i got to take care of her.

ive found that i really love taking care of sick people.

i feel the need to be super creative and start all these wonderful new art projects.

but they are counter acted by my attention deficit.

so right now i have this journal that i plan on turning into this multi-media art project deal, but so far ive only got a page and a half.

i want to go to tennessee this summer to play on the lake, but i fear that that will not be in the cards this summer.

i miss elizabeth and kate so dearly.

they are truly my other halves

i feel so at home with them, and not being able to talk to them about life the past 2 months has been killer.

there are these new people that we've been hanging out with.

i really do wish that i felt more need to be my sarcastic, goofy, outgoing self.

but i havent really felt like that self lately.

i feel like a different more introverted side of me has taken reign for the time being.

i feel like a bit of an observer thats watching the rising action in other peoples stories.

im not complaining necessarily.

im fairly content with my lack of rising action...at least for now.

i would like to believe that life would pick up soon, but there isnt really much i can do about it

i want to buy a harmonica and not spend 160 dollars on a ticket.

limbo.

Sabrina Ward Harrison inspires me so much. She is this beautiful artist who creates all these beatuiful pieces with all different types of media.

Listening to Mason Jennings either makes me feel all melancholy and nostalgic or upbeat and sunny. I feel like its good for any mood im in.

over the past week i feel like ives smoked my fair share of tobacco products.

a clove on saturday, hookah on monday, and then a cigar tonight.

i dont thing i like that amount of smoking all that much.

it just makes me feel incredibly unhealthy.

and according to God, my body is a temple, and i dont want all of that going into it.

i understand its a social thing and some people can do it, but its not for me.

ill stick with the occasional hookah.

i feel stressed for money right now.

i got a speeding ticket the other day plus two parking tickets from last school year.

i feel anxious about figuring out what kind of service God wants me to do this year.

i feel nervous about not having any idea of how this next year will go.

where will i serve? what is wesley leadership going to be like? is taking french and stats going to completely destroy me? what will i need to make more time for? what will i have to stop doing?

i've realized that i like to control the future most of the time.

i like to have some idea of what the future is going to look like
and i feel like that belittles the Lord and his ability to handle things.

when i try to handle and control my future it takes glory away from God.

i can be so foolish sometimes.

perhaps this momentary limbo is a big lesson i need to learn in trust.

I've always been very well provided for.

I've always had what i needed and most often what ive wanted.

To be honest with myself, ive been spoiled.

and i dont mean specifically with material things like money or gifts, but with people and relationships.

ive always had a way of making what i want happen for the most part.

i suppose i dont really ever give God the chance to be faithful to me because i always jump in and take charge.

i dont wait on the Lord enough.

instead, i get anxious and impatient and take matters into my own hands.

in the last year of my life a lot has come and gone.

a lot of relationships have started and ended.

ive tried a lot of new things.

and been to a lot of new places

my step mom left and my dad is alone again.

ive been to africa and back.

im moving to a new place and im having to begin to grow up.

im declaring a minor eventually.

i feel like im in the middle of two parts of my lives.

the first being my past.

being a teenager and being able to get by on my parents.

i was irresponsible and selfish.

i had an optimistic light hearted outlook on love

i always knew what the next step was

and ive always had plenty of time

and the second being my future.

i turned 20 and i should only have two more years of college left.

i need to start figuring out what i want to do with my life so that i can take classes and jobs that will reflect that.

i need to start being more responsible with my money.

get better grades. (turn things in on time)

like i said, im 20, so marriage isnt something i need to worry about,

but it would sure be nice if all the people that keep telling me that would stop getting married.

i dont need to worry about the future.

things seem a little weird right now.

this isnt a time in my life where i necissarily feel extraordinarily confident and secure.

i dont have a lot of control over the changes that have made me uncomfortable or that have caused me to step back and evaluate what im actually doing with my life.

i believe that God is faithful and sure.

and that in this time of uncertainty about my future, and trying to find a purpose for my past, it will surely teach me to trust in Gods perfect plan for my life.

low key

i feel tired of being impressive, or at least trying to be.

dont get me wrong, i love meeting new people and making new friends...
but lately i have found myself growing tired of the whole process.

in order to make friends you need to spend time with new people, and as much as i usually like doing that, i find myself not being able to stick around at one place for very long.

i find myself in all these new situations with new people
and i dont want to impress them.
i dont want to have to rack my brain for some witty comment, hoping that they'll realize how incredibly funny i can be.
i dont want to pretend that i know oodles and oodles about poetry
i dont want to try to be edgy and outdoorsy

i like to paint
i like to be outside and go exploring
i like pictures and tattoos and traveling
i like new foods and sarcasm and art
but i dont feel like i need to showcase these things.

i will speak for myself when the time is right.

most of the time i know that i would usually want to speak up and be a part of the conversation happening around me, but instead i find myself being silent more than speaking.

i want myself to be simple.
kind of what you see is what you get ya know?
and lately, i have no problem leaving a group of people to go home and paint in my new journal.
i dont feel guilty, i dont feel responsible to them.
im not worried about how my lack of effort could possibly come off as disinterest.

im just tired of staying when i want to leave, or laughing when things arent funny, or telling jokes that i hope are funny, all in hopes of making a good impression on people.

i dont need to do any of that.
ill leave when i want to.

this all probably seems like something incredibly obvious to know. haha

i feel awfully low key this summer.
and theres no shame in that for me.

im learning a lot about not only being comfortable with alone time, but actually craving it and enjoying it.
mornings or afternoons at j&b's with a new book
going on runs
watching the travel channel and eating bowls of cereal
doing an array of arts and crafts
searching craigslist for bikes
and exploring my new favorite website etsy.com (online thrift store!)

maybe its because i spent the last month with 17 people and no alone time.
maybe its because i have a habit of losing myself in the company of people.
maybe its because i got so comfortable with people that were in my life, and im not ready to start over again.

but either way, the approval of people and the need to please is something i have abandoned for the time being.
and i mean that in the best way possible. haha

"im okay with being unimpressive, i sleep better."
....garden state anyone? haha

just what the doctor ordered.

today it is 7:30 in the a.m. and i am sitting at J&B's by myself listening to Ryan Adams, eating an egg sausage and cheese bagel on wheat, and drinking an iced soy chai.

ashley and heath came into my room at 5 this morning with huge sheets over their head trying to scare me.
needless to say, i couldnt fall back asleep.

it feels good to be by myself in a place that im familiar with.
constant companionship from 17 people can be surprisingly exhausting.
this is just what i needed.

yesterday i was sitting in church and realized there are a few things that im wrestling with right now

1. the american church and its unnecessary facination with using big technology and flashy things in their services [sell jesus, not entertainment]
2. where does God want me to serve this year? I want to be proactive but i dont know where/how yet.
3. being more aware of what i need and not what i think i want. [listening and obeying]
4. being more patient and trusting God with my life. [bridge reference]
5. trying new things and hanging out with new people. [be more bold]
6. i should probably be more honest with people about how i feel.

i feel like i have nothing to lose anymore.
i would only lose if i didnt step out.
im in this place of not knowing, so why not explore?

i want to deal with the things that arent going to change instead of ignoring them.
ii want to scream things at people sometimes, but i dont think that will be fair.

i just talked to elizabeth online!
shes in germany at the moment.
it was so wonderful to get to talk to her!
since 7th grade we talked about traveling europe together, and now she got there without me.
im so happy for her but i miss my baby bear :(

alright, well, i leave to council ceta camp today and i still need to go home and back.

goodbye again lubbock...we shall meet again soon.

has may already happened?

back from rwanda!

what a month it has been.
i felt like i was there forever, but upon coming back i feel like ive been here all along.

i took my first american meal since ive been back at Market Street and the second at Pei Wei.
it was glorious.

if you would have asked me what has changed last week while i was sitting at Mango Tree church holding a little african baby and listening to pastor Nathan Amouti talk, i dont think i would have known what to say.
but now that im back i feel the change quite a bit more.

this coming year is going to be filled with changes.
i plan on preparing for them as soon as possible.

my life is on a bridge.

i met ashley yesterday.
shes alright i guess......
psych!
lol i love her and hope she reads this.

im working One Way camp at Ceta Canyon this next week.
im pumped.
for a lot of things mostly.

mission #1: find a new church that i really love
mission #2: check out miracle manner
mission #3: live in the present and not in the future

this year will be a year of fresh starts!

i miss you elizabeth and kate.