what can i expect. what can i do. i really have no control. give it up. give it over. freedom has never left me, ive always had it. i havent let it in. hardened heart. bitter heart. angry heart. guarded heart. i have no claim. you have yours and ill have mine. ultimately, whats best is best and people are people. news is just news. old is new and new is old and the circle never stops. recycle, reuse, redo...its all the same. the process is never ending, except the one day when it does. learning. changing. rearranging. use caution. know when to keep it up and when to let it fall. im impulsive. that is ugly truth sometimes. dont want to let this fall on empty ears. ive been a slacker. ive been selfish. i havent been keeping up with the things i should. give me Youre passion. give me Your love. give me Your grace. give me Your peace. i am one person. i am one girl. i am small, and have not got a single thing figured out. the more things i figure out, the more questions i come up with. solutions only pose different questions. we're never done. we keep changing. everyone is on their own road. you live in freedom. you have already arrived at that destination. i on the other hand, am lost. the directions are good, im just really bad at following them. ill get there some day. some day ill catch up. my words are too angry. i am too quick to speak. nothing is mine, it is all the Lords. im flesh, and He is the good in me. dont give Satan a foot hole, he'll turn it into something it never meant to be. what were your intentions? what were any of you alls intentions? good, better, best. you all know what to say. is it true that everyone will always play games? i sure hope not. not forever. not for long. i think most people are good. i need to remember that they are not always going to be what i want or expect. God is good though, and they can be good bc God is good. be careful. be aware. dont be naive. especially me, ive been naive. you dont always have to be a victim. i wont put up with peoples bull. i dont want to give anyone bull either. i just want to be honest. and real. and raw. be exactly who i am in any given moment. no shows. no stages. how will i do it? how will it work out? i have to watch you live in that freedom. watch you fall perfectly in line. i still have regrets. im not at that point yet. the one where people say they have no regrets. i havent gotten there yet. i still want to carve my name into what is mine. that 80 dollars i spent to try to give you something important. turned out it was just 80 dollars. turned out that i am still immature and could care less at the moment. turns out that i won that game. and what a prize i got. reality is now. its not next summer. its not in France. its not years from now outside on that perfect day in fall with all my family and champagn and "i do's." reality is lubbock. reality is statistics and french class and foundation and wesley and dry weather with no beaches and pizza and friends and new people and flat land and a 9 hour drive and coming to terms with the fact that africa didnt heal me and i dont have all the answers and an entire summer has passed and i STILL dont know what i want to do with my life. wait on the Lord. He's faithful. i believe His promises. i really do. but i am human. and im struggling. and i wont pretend that im not. His freedom has always been there. it is whether or not i decide to live into it. give it up. give it over. i will learn something.
No comments:
Post a Comment