low key

i feel tired of being impressive, or at least trying to be.

dont get me wrong, i love meeting new people and making new friends...
but lately i have found myself growing tired of the whole process.

in order to make friends you need to spend time with new people, and as much as i usually like doing that, i find myself not being able to stick around at one place for very long.

i find myself in all these new situations with new people
and i dont want to impress them.
i dont want to have to rack my brain for some witty comment, hoping that they'll realize how incredibly funny i can be.
i dont want to pretend that i know oodles and oodles about poetry
i dont want to try to be edgy and outdoorsy

i like to paint
i like to be outside and go exploring
i like pictures and tattoos and traveling
i like new foods and sarcasm and art
but i dont feel like i need to showcase these things.

i will speak for myself when the time is right.

most of the time i know that i would usually want to speak up and be a part of the conversation happening around me, but instead i find myself being silent more than speaking.

i want myself to be simple.
kind of what you see is what you get ya know?
and lately, i have no problem leaving a group of people to go home and paint in my new journal.
i dont feel guilty, i dont feel responsible to them.
im not worried about how my lack of effort could possibly come off as disinterest.

im just tired of staying when i want to leave, or laughing when things arent funny, or telling jokes that i hope are funny, all in hopes of making a good impression on people.

i dont need to do any of that.
ill leave when i want to.

this all probably seems like something incredibly obvious to know. haha

i feel awfully low key this summer.
and theres no shame in that for me.

im learning a lot about not only being comfortable with alone time, but actually craving it and enjoying it.
mornings or afternoons at j&b's with a new book
going on runs
watching the travel channel and eating bowls of cereal
doing an array of arts and crafts
searching craigslist for bikes
and exploring my new favorite website etsy.com (online thrift store!)

maybe its because i spent the last month with 17 people and no alone time.
maybe its because i have a habit of losing myself in the company of people.
maybe its because i got so comfortable with people that were in my life, and im not ready to start over again.

but either way, the approval of people and the need to please is something i have abandoned for the time being.
and i mean that in the best way possible. haha

"im okay with being unimpressive, i sleep better."
....garden state anyone? haha