limbo.

Sabrina Ward Harrison inspires me so much. She is this beautiful artist who creates all these beatuiful pieces with all different types of media.

Listening to Mason Jennings either makes me feel all melancholy and nostalgic or upbeat and sunny. I feel like its good for any mood im in.

over the past week i feel like ives smoked my fair share of tobacco products.

a clove on saturday, hookah on monday, and then a cigar tonight.

i dont thing i like that amount of smoking all that much.

it just makes me feel incredibly unhealthy.

and according to God, my body is a temple, and i dont want all of that going into it.

i understand its a social thing and some people can do it, but its not for me.

ill stick with the occasional hookah.

i feel stressed for money right now.

i got a speeding ticket the other day plus two parking tickets from last school year.

i feel anxious about figuring out what kind of service God wants me to do this year.

i feel nervous about not having any idea of how this next year will go.

where will i serve? what is wesley leadership going to be like? is taking french and stats going to completely destroy me? what will i need to make more time for? what will i have to stop doing?

i've realized that i like to control the future most of the time.

i like to have some idea of what the future is going to look like
and i feel like that belittles the Lord and his ability to handle things.

when i try to handle and control my future it takes glory away from God.

i can be so foolish sometimes.

perhaps this momentary limbo is a big lesson i need to learn in trust.

I've always been very well provided for.

I've always had what i needed and most often what ive wanted.

To be honest with myself, ive been spoiled.

and i dont mean specifically with material things like money or gifts, but with people and relationships.

ive always had a way of making what i want happen for the most part.

i suppose i dont really ever give God the chance to be faithful to me because i always jump in and take charge.

i dont wait on the Lord enough.

instead, i get anxious and impatient and take matters into my own hands.

in the last year of my life a lot has come and gone.

a lot of relationships have started and ended.

ive tried a lot of new things.

and been to a lot of new places

my step mom left and my dad is alone again.

ive been to africa and back.

im moving to a new place and im having to begin to grow up.

im declaring a minor eventually.

i feel like im in the middle of two parts of my lives.

the first being my past.

being a teenager and being able to get by on my parents.

i was irresponsible and selfish.

i had an optimistic light hearted outlook on love

i always knew what the next step was

and ive always had plenty of time

and the second being my future.

i turned 20 and i should only have two more years of college left.

i need to start figuring out what i want to do with my life so that i can take classes and jobs that will reflect that.

i need to start being more responsible with my money.

get better grades. (turn things in on time)

like i said, im 20, so marriage isnt something i need to worry about,

but it would sure be nice if all the people that keep telling me that would stop getting married.

i dont need to worry about the future.

things seem a little weird right now.

this isnt a time in my life where i necissarily feel extraordinarily confident and secure.

i dont have a lot of control over the changes that have made me uncomfortable or that have caused me to step back and evaluate what im actually doing with my life.

i believe that God is faithful and sure.

and that in this time of uncertainty about my future, and trying to find a purpose for my past, it will surely teach me to trust in Gods perfect plan for my life.