Genesis

i leave for rwanda in a week
i have 3 empty jars on my desk that i cant figure out what to fill with.
i am welcome to ideas.

i feel like im living right now.
i mean duh, im living right now.
but i just feel like a lot is happening right now.

it was a wonderful day today for a bunch of people.
me and Kate had a moment in the car this afternoon on the way home from dinner i think it was.
we were reflecting on the year and where things had taken us,
and where we were right then.
and it became very clear to me that we had started all over again.
from the beginning.
we were exactly where we were at the beginning of the school year.
it was a funny feeling.

i was a clean slate.
everything that was for both of us had come and gone.
our lives had their own seasons that peaked and fell and then leveled off.

im glad for a lot of things
im changing so much
maybe you wont have the same problem that i will

i think that it is not a competition
i am not less okay because we are not in the same spot
i think where i am and how i feel are incredibly appropriate.
and like wise for you.

worrying is like telling God that he can't handle the future.

TODAY!

how can i be expected to study in the state i am in.
there should be a rule where i can pull the "dreaming" card.
how can i be expected to worry about silly physical anthropology!!!!

let me give you a glimpse of my situation (forgive me if its "scatter-ish"):
the day is overcast and im sitting at j&b's with some of the besties.
they are all "studying" too.
im listening to Cloud Cult and dreaming of ways God could want to use me.
im a social work major and 20 and completely unsure of where ill be in 2 or 3 years.
im studying for my social work final and im reading about settlement houses.
and all i can think about is the community called the Simple Way that Shane Claiborn writes about in Irresistable Revolution and how badly i want to fall into play with that in the quickest way possible.
i want to intern there.
i want to be in community and love Jesus with those people.
i want to be a part of what Jesus is doing there.
gah its so great!
go to http://www.thesimpleway.org/
its so real and organic and natural and refreshing the way these people live to love and to serve.

could this be what you want for me Jesus?
one day last year i walked into a book store looking for something to read and that was the first one that caught my eye
i read it and it changed my love for Jesus in such a real way
was this your plan Jesus?
You have changed my heart so greatly since then.
is it silly to think i may believe that picking up that book last year was Gods first bit of revealing His plan for me?
no. i do not think it is. lol

i want to play under fire hydrants with inner city children!
and help them with their homework!
and plant a huge garden!
and use re-usable resources!
and think of new and creative ideas to raise awareness for, and practice social justice in my life and the lifes of others!!!

YEA YEA YEA!!!

the answers are really quite simple.

im 20.
but im still an immature child sometimes
i still giggle at farts and laugh at the word butthole and play silly pranks on people.
and thats okay with me.

sometimes i like to feel like im so mature
sometimes i want people to feel like im so mature
but the fact of the matter is mostly im not a lot

and mostly, i think im proud of that.
if i can stay blissful and joyful like a child
and have tea parties in backyards
and hang upside down from swingsets
and build sandcastles at the beach
and play dress up in front of the mirror
and climb trees
and laugh at the occassional toot,
then i think im doing alright.

i think sometimes the answer to our problems is to take ourselves a lot less seriously.

and if that doesnt work...go buy a slip and slide, some lemonade, some G. Love, and a baby pool and throw a party in your backyard.

startin the mornin off riiiggghhtt.

i want G. Love to write a song about me

my baby got sauce

your baby aint sweet like mine

alright?

today was brill :)

2 months.
is that silly?

things that help:
1. my strong and loving savior named Jesus.
2. night times on balconies with friends
3. sarcasm
4. new music
5. free clothes from lindsays closet
6. the house on 16th street
-ivy
-honneysuckle
-sharing an alley with kate and lindsay
-potential grandparents next door with an indoor pool
-a fire place that promises warm nights with warm people
7. those people
8. not having you around.
9. Gods provision and getting 300 dollars for rwanda today!!
10. having no potential interest in anyone
-really this helps a great deal.
-not caring=not worrying=not hurting.
11. my mom loving me
12. people listening to me
13. art projects
14. sabrina ward harrisson
15. reading about other people being in love
16. summer trips and summer friends
17. lots of fruit
18. new dresses

it feels so much like summer
i feel normal most of the time
i feel emo sometimes
i feel like im getting old faster
ive stopped dressing up when i know youre going to be somewhere
a lot of my plans have changed
i am waiting on God for my next move
i still miss my best friend
but i know you're not around anymore
ive accepted a lot
im gunna be here an extra year
ryan adams is making my life.
i feel like i could write a book of poems
or just make a bunch of lists
but i dont want to be annoying
or over dramatic
but sometimes i feel like im ready for someone new to romance me
but then im immediately reminded of how unfair that would be to put someone else in that situation
and how unhappy that would make me.

eeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhh doesnt matter.

what does matter?
1. i have an exam tomorrow
2 i leave for rwanda in a week and 3 days
3. God is faithful to me and deserves more of my time
4. im getting over tonsillitis far quicker than i could have predicted
5. im sleeping much better
6. i got 2 dresses, a skirt, a shirt, a bra, and one stellar headband for free today!
7. the more and more i fall deeper into the one who loves my soul beyond compare, the less i worry about the man who will be my second.
8. i still dont know what i want to do with my life (although, i suppose that isnt quite that important)

why worry?
life will happen
ill get overwhelmed and upset
and go over to kates apartment and throw oranges off the balcony and rip pages out from phone books
ill purposefully put on sad music and lay in my bed and cry
ill be unnecissarilly pathetic sometimes
but honestly, this too, along with everything else shall pass.

be sad.
be pissed off
be angry
be confused
but dont worry
lifes gunna happen whether you like it or not
we are children of the Lord :)

this is what i see.

next year:

a pallet of blankets in front of the fireplace, roasting marsh mellows, sufjan stevens on vinyl, lots of friends, and lots of laughing late into the night.

this will be in my near future.
thank God for the house on 16th street.

Hi, my name is emo, but you can call me Rachel.

these memories are the closest thing i have to black and white photos of people who used to be around.